I just wanna be normal

I had a very significant moment with Sara tonight.

Her doctor at Mayo Clinic requires her to drink 50oz of fluid every day. We break it up into 5 - 10oz portions per day. Orange juice for breakfast, 1 thermos of water before lunch at school, apple juice at lunch, 1 thermos of water after lunch at school, and 10oz of milk with dinner. This school year has really been a struggle for Sara to finish her afternoon water. They change classrooms for the first time and there is added pressure of accomplishing more things during the day. I have asked Sara to come home with half her afternoon thermos gone. Some days she does great. Some days she doesn't.

I know what pressure from a parent is like. My mom had very high expectations for me. I often felt like I wasn't enough. I promised myself that I would be different as a parent. And then Sara's medical issues came up. As time has gone by, the doctors have placed more expectations on us and then I feel pressured to comply or deal with the alternative--more unexplained kidney stones and more surgeries for my baby girl.

Sara was starting to practice piano tonight and I went in her room to talk to her about her water thermos that I found out at the swingset, still 90% full.

"Sara we have had 4 days this week and 3 of those days you have brought your thermos home almost full to the top. You can't go 4 hours without drinking. It's not good for your body."

Her eyes began to well up with tears.

"You have a hard time some days, don't you?" She nodded.

"You just want a break some days, don't you?" She nodded, tears running down her cheeks.

Crying now, too, all I could say was "I understand."

I just wanna be normal, Mama. I want to be able to eat whatever I want for lunch and not be hungry at the end. 

"I understand. I get tired of looking at food labels for everything you eat. I get tired of counting sodium, weighing your food, and telling you that you can't have things. Some days I want a break, too. If I had to do what you do, it would be really hard for me. And you are 8. But the thing is, God didn't make you like everyone else. He made you unique. And we just don't have a choice. So on the days that we are tired and want a break, we have to cry together, take a deep breath, and start over again tomorrow. It's okay to come home at the end of the day and tell me you had a hard day and I will do my best to be understanding."

And then we held each other, crying. She is wise and strong beyond her years. It took me until my 30s to be strong enough to know that it is okay to cry, take a breath, but then start again tomorrow.

I would take it away if I could, baby girl.

I wish you could be normal, too.