The week before Christmas I started to wonder if our family might be expanding. I was a little "late", had been really tired, and seemed to be gaining a few pounds. Every night I thought about it as I laid in bed, wondering if there was a new little life growing inside of me...but I dismissed the thought. Why ask why if I wasn't sure yet? It was a little much to take in considering the pace of my life right now. The days went by and I was getting even "later". By the time I came home from Christmas travels on December 29, I was quite certain. The day after a home pregnancy test agreed and the day after that a blood draw at the doctor's office agreed again. 5 1/2 weeks. Due August 28.
I didn't really know what to do with the news about you at first. I was excited but I was a little overwhelmed. I was surprised. I was in shock. You were unexpected. I went to church on January 8 and had a great moment during a worship song. "I will sing a song of hope, sing along, God of heaven come down, heaven come down. Just to know that You are near is enough. God of heaven come down." 6 years we tried to get pregnant on our own and we were left with unanswered questions. Our third round of IVF helped us welcome twins into our family. And now, heaven came down and gave us a Christmas gift. That night, through my tears, I completely embraced you and couldn't wait to begin planning for your arrival.
Almost 8 weeks along and we were so excited to have our first doctor's appointment. And then our excitement turned to shock as we were told my sac was empty. You were gone. Maybe. Maybe it was too early to tell and you were small. The doctor said not to lose all hope. Come back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound to confirm or deny. As the day went along, I knew.
How could I be given a gift and then have it taken away? It just didn't make sense. I had to make a choice, though--either get stuck on that question running over in my head or accept that life is just hard sometimes. On January 16 I had another one of those defining moments with God. Part of a song came into my head..."You give and take away, but still I choose to say, blessed be Your name." Did I still believe that? Yes. I don't live my life on inconsistencies. If I am going to have faith, that means I have to do it even when it's hard.
I was thankful to have had that moment of accepting. Without that, I wouldn't have been able to bear the 15 hours I spent in the emergency room as my body fought letting you go. January 19.
Before we got to see you for the first time. Before we got to hear your heart beat. Before we even said hello, we said goodbye.